Today’s children, more than any generational group before them, seek answers to questions about who God is, what kind of world they live in, and what their part in it gets to be. Our children also live in an increasingly violent and damaged society. Research shows that the greatest fears of children in the 1970s included animals, darkness, strangers, high places, and loud noises. The same research reveals that the top fears of today’s children include divorce, terrorism, cancer, violence in schools, and molestation! What can we do?
We believe that these children, who will shape our world’s values and be our future leaders, should be provided with all the tools needed to be fully devoted followers of Christ. This is no easy undertaking, and it requires that the church intentionally support the family as the family raises a child. This is our goal.
In a step toward accomplishing this, I designed Life Challenges 4 Kids as a classroom based curriculum which addresses some of the difficult emotional and social issues facing preteen children today. This post is an adjunct to that curriculum. This particular post focuses on the issues of death and loss, divorce, life after divorce, sadness and anger. Additional resources for further reading are also offered. I hope this information helps you and your child dialog through these challenging issues.
The topics in the Life Challenges 4 Kids curriculum are:
- Death & Loss: Learning to talk about death & loss.
Where is God when I hurt?- Understanding Divorce: What happens now? Living with Divorce: Making good choices.
- I’m So Sad: What do I do now?
- I’m Angry: What do I do now?
The objectives of Life Challenges 4 Kids are:
- To help preteen children become Christ-centered teens
- To support families by offering a forum for discussing sensitive topics with their children
- To help kids rely on God through difficult times
- To help kids understand that they are not alone in their difficulties and struggles
I believe these topics are critical information for today’s preteen. These difficult social and emotional issues will be encountered by your child, if not firsthand, then through someone your child knows.
Intentional Teaching in the Classroom & Follow-Through at Home
Over the course of this lesson series, we discuss death, loss, and the difficulty of divorce. We explore examples in our lives, and discuss our emotions, especially anger and grief. We recognize the tangle of those emotions. We ask where God is when we hurt and how does God want us to deal with this stuff in our lives. We discuss making wise choices even in difficult situations.
The in-class curriculum utilizes numerous active and directed learning exercises in order to effectively communicate these sensitive topics. These included letters, drawings, poetry, prayer exercises such as the balloon release, illustrative posters such as the “Emotional Elephant,” interactive worksheets and fill-in-the-blanks, live testimonies, small group discussions, Scripture readings by teachers and children, and a heavy emphasis on “doing life with God in the picture.”
Past response in class has been remarkable. Up to 60% of kids request prayer or ask questions. I realize that children often do not go home and follow-through with discussions, so this post has been designed for follow-through at home.
DEATH & LOSS
Our first lesson is “Death & Loss: Learning to talk about death & loss. Where is God when we hurt?”
The following questions will be addressed:
- What are some of the most common losses we experience?
- Death of pets
- Death of grandparents
- Loss of current lifestyle / situation
- Loss of friends
- Are death and loss “normal”?
- Is it OK to grieve?
- Where is God when we hurt?
- What does God want from me?
Children will have an opportunity to write any questions they might have on communication cards and teachers will be available for follow-up.
We will not be addressing the following topics with this age group, although you may wish to discuss them with your child as you feel appropriate:
- Murder
- Suicide
- Gun issues
- Abortion issues
Home Discussion Questions:
You may wish to engage in these discussion questions either before or after class.
Discuss together a time when your child experienced loss; for example, the death of a relative, a pet, or a life change such as moving away from friends.
Think together about ways to remember the person, pet or situation. Allow yourselves to grieve, say good-bye, and celebrate the good.
Points for parents or guardians of children experiencing death or loss:
- Encourage your child to have and experience appropriate emotions in the face of loss and death.
- Do face your own grief.
- Don’t “fudge” the truth.
- Make room for questions.
- Don’t neglect good-byes in word and deed.
- Do remember to keep checking in with your child.
- Don’t forget to enlist others if you need help.
Suggested resources on death and loss:
H. Norman Wright, It’s Okay to Cry: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Children Through the Losses of Life. Colorado Springs, CO: Water Brook Press, 2004.
Karen Dockrey, When a Hug Won't Fix the Hurt: Walking with Your Child Through Crisis. Birmingham, AL: New Hope Publishers, 2000.
Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler. Josh McDowell’s Handbook on Counseling Youth: A Comprehensive Guide for Equipping Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, and Parents. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, 1996.
Marv Penner. Help, My Kids Are Hurting: A Survival Guide to Working with Students in Pain. Grand Rapids, MI: Youth Specialties (a division of Zondervan), 2005. This book is a short but intense relational “first-aid course” for helping preteens and teens.
DIVORCE
Our second lesson is “Understanding Divorce. What Happens Now?” and “Living with Divorce. Making Good Choices.”
Here is what we will focus on in class.
- Why me?
- Am I alone?
- Is it my fault?
- How does God want me to see this?
- What do I do now?
- Making good choices today.
- Doing life with God in the picture.
We will not be addressing the following topics in the course of this discussion, although you may wish to discuss them with your child as you feel is necessary and appropriate.
- Violence, abuse, alcohol or drugs in the home
- Parental immorality or questionable lifestyles
- The increased incidence of preteen and early-teen sexual behavior among girls after parental divorce
- The increased incidence of preteen and early-teen aggressive behavior among boys after parental divorce
- Visitation issues
- New relationships for previously divorced parents
Points for parents of families in divorce:
Please don’t:
- Criticize your spouse or ex-spouse in the presence of your children.
- Use your children as spies or as messengers.
- Force kids to choose or ‘take sides.’
- Restrict visitations.
- Make promises you can’t keep.
Please do:
- Rebuild your child’s self-esteem (e.g., reiterate that the divorce has nothing to do with your child; spend individual time with each of your kids).
- Recognize the signs and help your child overcome depression (e.g., withdrawal, sadness, no energy, always tired). Your child may benefit from professional help.
- Recognize that, statistically, sexual activity is often a girl’s primary response to the loss of control in her life. Protect your child by ensuring that she has appropriate male role models.
- Recognize that, statistically, anger is often a boy’s primary response to a loss, and recognize that in our society boys have not necessarily been taught to express emotions in healthy and appropriate ways. Consider a behavior plan that “majors on majors, not minors.” The “porcupine” who is trying to push you away needs your presence and love.
- Seek help. It is available. You, also, are not alone!
Home Discussion Questions:
You may wish to engage in these discussion questions either before or after class.
If your family is not in divorce:
- Reassure your children of your vows of love and commitment before God, your spouse, and to them.
- Discuss your love for your spouse as a covenant love, and not just as a feeling.
- Discuss the tragedy of divorce such that your child understands that God hates divorce but never the divorced people (or the children of divorce).
If your family is in divorce:
- Open the door to discussions of your child’s emotional life. Speak openly and reassuringly about any anger or confusion.
- Open the door to honest, age-appropriate discussions regarding human sexuality. This is especially important for kids in divorce. See the recommended resource by Stan and Brenna Jones.
Suggested resources on divorce:
Divorce Care – http://www.highpointechurch.org/connect/care-community/divorce.asp.
Information concerning our Divorce Care Ministry may be found on the High Pointe Community Church website.
Divorce Care For Kids – http://www.dc4k.org/. A part of the http://www.divorcecare.org/ site specifically for kids.
Tim Baker. Broken: Making Sense of Life After Your Parents’ Divorce. Colorado Springs, CO: Th1nk (an imprint of NavPress), 2006.
SADNESS
This lesson is entitled "I'm So Sad. What Do I Do Now?"
We all experience sadness in our lives, and children can experience it intensely. A child experiences sadness at 100%. Just take a toy away from an infant to understand how completely an infant can suffer a short-term loss. As we develop from infants to children to adults, we naturally begin to process sadness differently. Preteen children are at a developmental stage where they are confused deeply by pain but may not yet be capable of expressing and understanding that confusion. They want to ask questions, but they don’t yet know how. Children at this age soak in all communication, both verbal and non-verbal, but may appear unresponsive.
As we begin the discussion on sadness, we will be focusing on:
- Opening our hearts
- Learning to ask for help
- Doing life with God in the picture
- Supporting others
We will not be focusing on the following topics in the course of this discussion – though all may be responses to sadness. You may wish to discuss them with your child as you feel is necessary and appropriate. I have included a few searchable databases as resources for these topics.
- Suicide
- Substance abuse
- Various addictions
- Clinical depression
- Self-injury
- Eating disorders
Points for parents of children experiencing sadness:
- Children’s sadness is not constant. It comes and goes. At the same time, when children experience sadness. they may grieve much more deeply and intensely than adults. Children generally cycle fast … an upset with tears, etc., followed shortly by a period of appearing not to grieve at all. Children generally do not express their feelings directly, and may express them only once in a while. They may say nothing is wrong as a way of pushing themselves further away from painful feelings.
- If parents don’t abandon their children during experiences of sadness, children usually feel supported through it.
- Your child may not “overcome” certain losses (e.g., the death of a grandparent); but can learn how to live with the loss. Grief (and even serious depression) can be managed. Our God is, after all, a God of healing and miracles! Each of us can be fully restored, and even go on to help others.
- Don’t hesitate to raise the topic of grief, even if your child shows no interest or response.
- By discussing hurtful things, you let your child know that you are not afraid to talk about it.
- By saying you’re sorry (e.g., “I am sorry that Thumper has died”), you let your child know you care.
- By letting your child respond as and when she will, you let her know you are not going to force the issue on her. Don’t press your child for a comment or even a show of interest if she isn’t ready to talk abut it.
- Don’t lie or soften an answer. You must be developmentally- and age-appropriate, but answer straightforwardly and honestly, even if the answer is difficult (with a death for example).
- Children grieve more nonverbally than verbally. Things like art, stories, song, and dance can help them express their sadness.
- Remember that just by being with and loving your child, you are giving him much more than the rest of the world is able to do.
Suggested resources on grief:
KidsAid is a website for kids to share and to help each other deal with grief about any of their losses – http://www.kidsaid.com/.
The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families is a website which offers hope and advice to those who grieve – http://www.dougy.org/.
Grief Net is another excellent resource for understanding grief in children – http://www.griefnet.org/.
The three websites listed above contain a vast amount of information to help both you and your children navigate through the difficulties of grief.
ANGER
This lesson is entitled "I'm Angry. What Do I Do Now?"
This lesson includes a video interview with High Pointe Community Church Senior Pastor, Kevin Sullivan, who experienced a lot of anger in his youth following the death of his father. Pastor Kevin shares valuable, Christ-centered responses to how it felt to be in the grip of anger during those years.
Suggested resources on anger:
D. Ross Campbell. How to Really Love Your Angry Child. Colorado Springs, CO: Life Journey, 2003.
Rick Horne. Get Outa My Face! How To Reach Angry, Unmotivated Teens with Biblical Counsel. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 2009.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Additional general parenting resources:
Tedd Tripp. Shepherding A Child’s Heart. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1995.
Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. The Five Love Languages of Children. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing, 1997.
Robert Lewis. Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father’s Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1997.
Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof. Parenting Beyond Your Capacity: Connect Your Family to a Wider Community. Colorado Springs, CO: David C. Cook, 2010.
The four books listed above offer suggestions on child raising from a godly perspective where love and discipline are balanced.
Additional well-being and education resources:
The National Institute of Mental Health, National Institutes of Health home page is an exceptional resource toward reducing the burden of mental illness and behavioral disorders, including addictions, depression, and eating disorders. This is a well-respected and comprehensive U.S. government site – http://www.nimh.nih.gov/.
National Mental Health Association works to improve the mental health of all Americans through advocacy, education, research, and service – http://www.nmha.org/.
American Psychological Association provides information and education about a variety of mental health issues for people of all ages – http://www.apa.org/.
Facts for Families from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry – http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/facts_for_families. A thorough site with short excerpts on many child psychiatry issues.
Stan and Brenna Jones, What’s the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1995.
This book is part of a series entitled “God’s Design for Sex” and addresses sexuality education for children from ages 3 through 14. Though we will not discuss sexuality in the context of this curriculum, age-appropriate discussions are a component of healthy development.
Additional crisis resources:
For a suicide crisis, or any immediate crisis requiring counseling, information, or referral to other resources, contact the 24-hour crisis line – (800) SUICIDE.
Substance abuse:
- Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration – http://www.samhsa.gov/.
You may refer to this site for tips on how to speak to your child about drinking:
- Stop Underage Drinking – http://www.stopalcoholabuse.gov/.
Cutting and choking game resources include:
The website www.kidshealth.org/teen/ has information on cutting – see the following: www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html.
(800) DONTCUT
